Hiraeth

is it where i am going ?
or the place from which i came?
a place i knew so long ago
but a mirage to me now
and life is not the same
it’s a dream that pulls me
i don’t know why or where
or how to reach my hand to it
or which path to take
no path can take me there
i don’t know what to do
it’s an island out to sea,
a lake of deep reflections,
a far horizon, faded blue,
twisting at my memory
its fingers stroke my soul
with the echo of an ache,
a phantom of a sigh
held deep inside my chest.
i am not where i belong,
an exile from a land
that hides behind a shadow
in the wistfulness of song
when it turns to minor key
and melts so far away
in mournful, tender harmony.
without it i am homesick
for something i cant name
its at the heart of me
wistful, so, so, wistful
i think my heart will break
if i don’t close my eyes
and slowly turn away

****************
Hiraeth is a Welsh word with no direct translation
Sometimes defined vaguely as nostalgia, wistfulness, longing, “a homesickness for a home you cannot return to, or that never was”. But nothing can quite sum it up. I know exactly how it feels but naming it is something else.

Hiraeth bears similarities with the Portuguese concept of saudade (a key theme in Fado music), Brazilian Portuguese “banzo” (more related to homesickness), Turkish gurbet, Galician morriña, Romanian dor.

Welsh boys (from a photograph of my father)

Faded in black in white, about nineteen-thirty,

Two boys sit on a window ledge, that house,

Narrow street between mountains, back, front,

A valley that smells of coal dust and soap,

Where the women polish the doorsteps daily

Dark red, down on their knees in gossip.

 

This photograph says so much about them,

Even then. My uncle sits prim and nervous

Worried he may slip from his perch,

Buttoned up in his best suit and collar

Ready for chapel and prayers I suppose.

His round face in glasses, held stiff.

 

While my father leans sideways, younger

By two years, swinging a leg and squinting

With the sun in his eyes and his knees all scuffed.

Dreaming of music and organ pipes

And the catapult hidden in his Sunday pocket,

A strong wish to be off there and up in the hills.

 

These brothers stayed like this all their lives

Never truly following the same paths;

One toeing the line for all he was worth

The other refusing to break his own rules,

Always the wild one up in the hills

Frustrated by all the restrictions of life.