I look around
and see the life
that glows within
and shines about
from every place the sunlight falls
and I recall
the times before
my sight was dimmed
by crippling grief
and realise that I’ve been blind
to all the joys that once I saw.
I sense a sunrise in my heart.
death changes nothing
death changes everything
the day was calm
and then the sudden shock
a hell of grief
an open wound
don’t bleed!
silenced
sealed
before the sad amen
death changed nothing
death changed everything
the days went on
while i took foolish risks
and tested out my fate
i sought out thrills
i put myself in danger
to feel some deep emotion
as consolation
and a balm
it heals
but still reveals,
in every day that followed,
that everything was flat lined
neutralised
suppressed
by unshed tears
death changed nothing
death changed everything
my heart is tarnished
but the world goes on the same
i know what you would say
if you were here today
i see it now
perhaps it’s not too late
death changes nothing
death changed everything
I dragged him down the road with me,
our life in carrier bags.
Nothing ever lasted long,
the good times or the bad.
He had no choice, nor did I.
With each inflicted change
the world was re-arranged.
We never had a peaceful home
that we could call our own.
I was lost,
I was young,
he was my loyal son.
I didn’t have a map.
I hope our road
through right and wrong,
was honest and had heart.
but bad luck played its part.
Some say I had courage.
Some say I was wild.
I’ll accept the judgment of
the man that was my child.
I have a sense of purpose
and the power to get things done.
I face the opposition,
fast thinking on my feet.
A fool might hesitate.
I’m only seeking happiness,
that’s all I really want,
and so I take the plunge again
into deeper life.
Turbulent emotions
stir the muddied waters.
Intemperate behaviour
can only hold me back.
Trust can be deceptive.
Instinctive moves are strong.
Moonlight pierces darkness.
All is clear and bright.
Patience and compassion
are the watchwords of the night.
My heart is always brave
when the time of movement comes,
and in the time of changes,
help is close at hand.
When considering my options
I take the straighter path,
remembering tradition;
the tried and tested ways.
I look into a mirror
and meet the Hierophant.
The girl at the checkout counter
gives me a
side-long look.
She seems bemused
by my words.
Did I say too much
or too little?
How much is ever enough?
I always liked solitude,
it’s as vital to me as food.
But five days alone is my limit,
more is too heavy a weight.
One more ounce, and I’m crushed.
I speak out loud to the mirror,
checking I still have a voice.
Sometimes I answer myself.
I sound like a rusty old clock.
I seem to be losing my tick.
I brace myself for the day
I strap on a shell,
a brave carapace,
to keep the dark moments at bay.
I’m an expert at living this way.
But when friends come to stay
and then go away
I feel that my heart
has been opened and filled
and then,
quietly,
clinically,
stripped.
i don’t
like
the sound
i hear
in my
neck
swishing and pulsing
veins
it seems far too loud
i am sure
my heart
beat
is
speeding
each time i turn over it’s worse
this is the sleepless song of the night
at dawn
sweating
the slow
drift begins
into sleep
suspended between in a dream
wet
wet from the snow melt
out on the moors
the track
deep
in mud
the grass is a
s l i d e
we struggle
up
to
the
top
of
the
hill
the wide-open expanse of the world falls beneath
we all stand together
filling our lungs
catch
ing
our
breath
I blame you for this darling,
with your torments, your fears
and your floods of hot tears
and the way that you tear us apart.
I was right to turn you away
but I should have foreseen
and I should have waited
to see where the river would flow.
There were innocent victims in this
and sacrifices of love,
for, from and of,
and more than one gift that was given.
I should have seen from the start,
but lovers are so often blinded
and mostly i blame my own heart
i have been in a train wreck
slow motion
with grinding wheels
my body is shuddering
frozen
i shake in every limb
in the midst
of debris
i sit
in classic symptoms of shock
trying to think
and feel
the thing i most need
is calmness
to see the future clear
i saw you
and then you vanished
i thought it a very bad omen indeed
it clenched my heart
in fear
i told myself
this wont happen again
but it did
over and over
crashing
you kept on crashing
but you made it back
in the end
in my mind,
and in my heart,
in my soul
completing,
i know she blooms forever
sweet rose,
so entwining,
unbounded,
unrestricted,
all life’s joys defining
rumbustious rivalry,
clowning for all they are worth,
jangling hormones,
uncertainty,
nerves and bravado,
the boys at the front of the bus,
huddled and pushing,
their shoulders colliding,
create a passengers nightmare
the girls look on,
full of disdainful glances,
dreaming of their brothers best friend,
the sixth former at the back,
quiet and serious
and oh, so desired
i feel a deep urge to tell them,
wait longer than that
before they awaken your heart
boys are slow in their growing
and some never know
they have that journey to make
but i only sit, making a note
in my constant notebook of life,
my smile benign
The Dreaming Path 