Carrying my father home

Far heavier than I expected
and the size of an old sweet jar,
opaque plastic, black lidded.
Thank heaven it wasn’t transparent.
I could not have gone on like that.
I carried my father’s ashes
through the streets,
past the church and the chapel,
past the pizza parlour and meaty kebab shops,
under summer trees and fuming traffic,
everything poignantly normal.
We didn’t walk often together.
My father preferred his home.

I was sweating from heat and emotion.
Such a hot afternoon it was.

Flatlining

death changes nothing
death changes everything

the day was calm
and then the sudden shock
a hell of grief
an open wound

don’t bleed!

silenced

sealed

before the sad amen

death changed nothing
death changed everything

the days went on
while i took foolish risks
and tested out my fate
i sought out thrills
i put myself in danger
to feel some deep emotion
as consolation
and a balm

it heals
but still reveals,
in every day that followed,
that everything was flat lined
neutralised
suppressed
by unshed tears

death changed nothing
death changed everything

my heart is tarnished
but the world goes on the same

i know what you would say
if you were here today

i see it now

perhaps it’s not too late

death changes nothing
death changed everything